Tabula Rasa
by zealousfreak27
Summary: Rebuilding trust is a process. A trust shattered over two hundred years takes a long time to restore. 'T' for torture and violence.


_Czeslaw had been tied to the bed for months now. For awhile he'd been keeping track of the days, but he had lost count somewhere around fifty-nine._

_Fermet had been keeping him in a room for a long time; perhaps years, he wasn't sure. Czes had thought that was bad enough, but at least he'd been able to move around. And Fermet had fed him back then as well. _

_Now on top of everything else, he was starving. Czes didn't know how long it had been since he had last eaten, although Fermet did give him water on occasion._

_It would always be the same; he would be so hungry that he could feel his body digesting his insides in an attempt to feed, and then he would die. Sometimes he wished it was permanent, but his organs always rebuilt themselves. Even after that there was no relief from the horror of starvation: his stomach still was not filled._

_He lay on the bed still unable to move. He had nothing to think about and abject terror filled him. He heard a creak and he began to shake. Was it Fermet? Had he come? _

_Czes lay absolutely still and didn't breathe a sigh of relief until he was completely sure that Fermet was not coming for him. _

_He wondered how long it had been since he'd been outside. After everyone had split up and Maiza had left, he and Fermet were left to fend for themselves. At first, Czeslaw had felt safe, completely trusting Fermet to care for him. He had for years after all. _

_It had started subtly; Fermet would 'accidentally' push him off something; he would cut his finger nails a little too close; he hadn't meant to slice Czes with that knife. Although Czes was certainly old enough to care for himself, he was still a child really. He was too afraid to go out on his own. He had more years than most of the people he knew, and yet he was still small, still eternally ten years old. That went for his emotional capacity as well. He had felt that he needed Fermet._

_Fermet had always been like his big brother, at least in his mind. He doubted now that the notion went both ways, but the nights on the _Advenna Avis_ when all was right in the world still burned in his mind. The complete, happy trust he'd had for everyone that had only slightly been shaken by Szilard's betrayal was slowly dying now._

_One day it had gone too far; Fermet had completely cut Czeslaw's hand off and he was sure it wasn't an accident. The joyous look he'd seen in his guardian's eyes as he watched the hand reattach and the blood flow backwards to where it had come from scared him._

_Czes had tried to run away that night, but Fermet had caught him before he'd even gotten out of the flat they shared. After that he had been "confined to his room for being a bad little boy". Czes wasn't a child any longer after that day._

_And once the tortures started, he'd seen a new side to his guardian. His eyes glowed softly with glee as he caused harm to his charge; a sick smile lighting his face as he claimed it was all for the sake of science. _

_Once Czes had asked him why he didn't use himself for his experiments. This earned him a slap in the face and a derisive laugh. Czes tried to be strong, but the slap had jarred tears out of him. Fermet had smiled and thrown him in the blazing fire place. _

_Sometimes, Czes saw the others in his dreams, and sometimes his nightmares. Szilard was there, smiling and ready to devour him. And sometimes they all were; Maiza and Sylvie and Gretto, all there to devour him. Maiza- kind, goodhearted Maiza- was the first to attack. And sometimes he saw them when he was awake. He didn't know what was real anymore. Maiza had always been kind, but so had Fermet. _

_Czes had plenty of time to think in that room (he was sure he'd been there for years) and he'd decided there was no good in the world. Since he had drunk that panacea there had been nothing but hate in his life; hate and dying and pain. His feverish mind wished that he would die, and then every survival instinct he had would take over and he'd decided that he had to devour the others before they could get him. And then reality hit him; he was stuck in a room with only the power of a child. How he hated being a child._

_He was tied to the bed after he had tried to bite Fermet's fingers off and escape. While he'd known the fingers would grow back, he hadn't been able to bring himself to. He had felt so weak and useless as Fermet had tied him to the bed._

_And now he cursed his cowardice, struggling with his bonds. He was so afraid of pain. Although he had almost become accustomed to it, pain was something the body was trained to try to escape from and there was no escape from this eternal agony._

_Czes froze as he heard steps approaching the room. He started to sweat and visibly shake when Fermet entered the room. Fermet stepped towards the bed, smiling while holding a plate full of food and a long sharp needle. He placed the food on the small table next to the bed and to Czes' surprise reached over him towards his hands. Unable to struggle away, his muscles clinched and he screwed his eyes shut._

_Again surprising the boy, he untied his hands. Czes blinked as he sat him up. Fermet picked up the tray of food, which Czes' eyes stared at unwaveringly. He reached for the food, but Fermet pulled it away with a 'tut' sound. Czes looked at him confusedly. He'd felt so relieved just a few moments ago, thinking he was going to be fed. In an instant, Fermet had been the kindest man alive, a rescuing angel to free him from starvation. All the time they had spent together had flashed before his eyes, and Czes had been sure Fermet really did care for him._

_But why wasn't he giving him the food? Food was the most important thing in the world at that moment, and Fermet was supposed to care for him. So he should give him the food. _

_Fermet held the food right in front of his face, allowing the smell to tantalize Czeslaw. He grabbed for it, an animal look of hunger in his eyes, but Fermet shook his head. Placing the tray where Czes couldn't reach it, he handed him the needle from before. Czes frowned, only able to concentrate on the food._

"_You want that food, don't you?" Czes could only nod in reply. Fermet continued: "Well, you see, today I was planning on letting you help with the experiment." Czes' eyes widened and he wasn't sure how it happened, but he felt moisture spreading in his pants. He had wet himself._

_Fermet noticed and shook his head. "Oh Czes, you're still such a child." Czes' hand curdled around the needle. Fermet waved his hand dismissively. "Don't even try; we both know it won't work." _

_Czes sighed, knowing it was best not to answer, and found his eyes drifting back to the food. "Ah yes, the food. You see, if you help me with my experiment, then you can eat all of that."_

_Czeslaw's bottom lip began to tremble. He asked, "What do you want me to do?"_

_Fermet's eyes glinted. "Doctors have recently discovered just how delicate the human ear is. I was wondering if the extent of our healing abilities would even cover that. If you can drive that needle into your ear yourself, then you can eat."_

_Czeslaw looked between the needle and Fermet. He knew that if he didn't do it himself, Fermet would do it for him. He brought the needle to his ear, his hand shaking. He smelled the food, torturing his empty stomach. He closed his eyes and stabbed the needle towards his ear. _

_A shot of pain pierced his mind but he knew the needle had only pierced the outer layer. Still able to function, he stabbed the needle with all the force he could muster into the deeper recesses of his ear. _

_This time he screamed, unable to stop it. The needle had gone straight into his head. He faded out of consciousness for a few seconds, but the healing began and the needle was pushed out. _

_Sitting up, he saw Fermet smiling at him. The dull ache in his ear was slowly disappearing and his eyes went straight to the food again. Before he could ask, Fermet said, "The other ear as well."_

_Czes knew there was no point in arguing. Taking the needle in his other hand, he thought only of the food as he drove the point into his left ear. _

_He hadn't been able to exert very much pressure in the first place since his muscles were depleted from lack of food and exercise. He was right handed, so his effort with his left was far less successful. He whimpered in pain as the needle entered his inner ear. Fermet's eyes narrowed. "Again," he ordered._

_So Czes drove the needle in again. It appeared that still wasn't enough, and he pulled it out and stabbed it back in again. And again. _

_It had reached his brain this time for sure. Once he had regained consciousness, he felt the needle slide out of his brain and the blood that had poured of his eyes and nose recede into his head. He sat up, his eyes still trained on the food. _

_A part of him broke as Fermet pushed him back down onto the bed, tying down his limbs to the bed. Tears came to his eyes as Fermet settled into a chair and ate the poorly prepared, beautiful food right in front of his eyes._

"_W-why?" Czeslaw croaked out. "You-you said-"_

"_I know what I said." Fermet smiled widely as he popped a grape into his mouth. "You've just disappointed me, that's all." _

"_I-I just want to eat," Czes said pathetically. "What do I have to do?" His voice rose to hysterical levels._

"_I thought you were more of a man than this, Czes." He shook his head. "Wetting your pants? Screaming in pain? I may have expected this from you when you were ten years old, but you're not anymore, are you?"_

_Czes gave no answer and stared longingly as the last bit of food disappeared into his tormentor's mouth. _

_After Fermet left, Czes cried. He cried and cried until there were no tears left. Fermet was right. He was pathetic. _

_He began to struggle with his bonds again after thinking about how quickly Fermet had retied them. The rope tying his right arm down felt a little loose, but with his body size did not come strength. He tried pulling his hand out of the loop and realized that there might be a chance of escape that way. But, even if he could break out of his bonds, how would that change his situation at all? He'd still be stuck in the room; Fermet would still have him trapped in this eternal nightmare. _

_It was his right hand. His right hand was the one that was loose. He could… But that was for monsters like Szilard, not him! _Kill or be killed, _a small part of his brain whispered. _And once he's gone, you have to get all of them. They'll get you if you don't get them, don't you see? No one ever cared about you. They just want to _eat _you!

_Kill or be killed…_

* * *

Czes opened his eyes and blinked. It had been a dream. He was in Ennis and Firo's apartment. Ennis was lying on the couch simulating what she treated as sleep; Firo was "not at home" whatever that meant.

He frowned. He'd thought the hallucinations and lucid dreams were becoming less frequent, but that was one of the most vivid he'd had in a long time. Perhaps his run in with the Rail Tracer was bringing back memories.

Sometimes the hallucinations were memories, and sometimes they weren't. Sometimes Fermet was still alive, come to take his revenge. Sometimes Ennis and Maiza and Firo and Isaac and Miria and the others were hurting him; saying he was a burden; devouring him.

He fought the overwhelming instinct he felt after every dream to raid the pantry and hoard all the food in a safe place. He tried to calm himself, knowing that these dreams also often came with skittishness around Ennis. She didn't understand human emotions completely yet, and so she would often consult Maiza. Czes didn't want to see him.

That hand. The hand that patted his head, not devouring. He couldn't trust it. It went against what he knew about the world. It shouldn't be kind. _Kill or be killed. _

Maiza didn't know. He didn't know how Fermet had died. Czes shivered and pulled his blanket close around him. Maiza would hate him if he knew. He had devoured, like Szilard had. Maiza didn't like devouring. Czes was bad.

Fermet. Czes' expression flickered. He had all of his memories. They rose to the surface of his mind, unbidden. Even if they hadn't become immortal, Fermet would have hurt him. There was no science, no experiment, only joy.

Czes had not been his first victim. He could see the faces of Fermet's younger brothers, his dog, even his mother. All "experiments". He felt the mask of friendliness that he wore, the joy of cutting apart others. Fermet hadn't even considered him a person; he was an object.

It was too much. He hated Fermet, and Fermet was a part of him. He hated himself.

"Czes? Czeslaw?" He heard Ennis' voice, but it meant nothing, because nothing meant anything. "Czes!"

"…What?" Why didn't she just leave him alone?

"Czeslaw, I'm taking you to see Maiza." She ignored his struggles and picked him up with strong arms and carried him to her car.

What was it about Maiza? Why did everyone trust him? He didn't understand. Oh, he had missed him, but there was no room for trust in his heart. Even Ennis; he thought he loved her as a sister, but hadn't he loved Fermet as a brother?

He curled into a ball, not even caring that it was childish. Even after a year, you could still find Maiza in the same place.

"You stay here." Ennis gave him a sharp look and headed out to find Maiza. Czes closed his eyes and waited.

A little while later he heard footsteps heading towards the car. He curled in tighter into himself.

"Czes." No response. Maiza slid into the car. "Czes, what's wrong?"

"Nothing! Nothing's wrong! W-why," he coughed, "why would something be wrong? Why do you care?"

Maiza reached over to touch him, and Czes slapped his hand away. Maiza frowned at the terror in his eyes. Gone was the happy, round faced child he had known. This was something different he saw: something wild.

He coaxed, "It's okay, Czes. I care about you. Let me show you…" He ghosted a question mark at the end of his sentence.

Czes did respond, and Maiza reached his left hand over, placing it on the child's forehead.

_Czes was nine and smiling as they boarded the _Advenna Avis _and Maiza thought he was a sweet child. Maiza thought that maybe he shouldn't have allowed Czes to drink the panacea. He should have realized earlier. Maiza was worried about many things, but he spared a thought for Czes, hoping he was alright. Maiza was sorrowing for his brother and hadn't thought about where Czes and Fermet were headed to. He was so glad to hear that Czes was okay but he feared the worst about Fermet. He wondered why Czes was working in explosives. He was amused that the gift Ennis had been awaiting was Czes; amused and happy. Maiza was concerned about Czes. Czes was afraid of him. Czes was afraid of everyone. _

He gasped when Maiza had finished sharing his information. There was nothing there, nothing hurtful. How was it possible?

Maiza smiled at Czes and ruffled his hair. "I'm so sorry." Czes frowned at him. As far as he'd seen, he had never done anything to harm Czes at all. "What for?"

"I just thought you'd be okay after we all split up. You were with Fermet, and I thought Szilard would mostly target me anyway, but that wasn't the case." He frowned. "I didn't think about you enough or try to find you for a long time, and I'm sorry. What happened to Fermet was my fault."

There was a long silence between them. It was broken by a quiet word from Czeslaw. "…No."

"What?"

"It wasn't your fault." Czes' voice was cold. Not comforting.

"What do you mean?"

"It was my fault." Reason be damned; he trusted Maiza now, and although he would be judged, he needed to say this. "I ate him."

Maiza turned Czes were he could look him in the eyes. "You what?" There was no fire in his eyes, only shock and disappointment.

There would be no memory sharing. Czes would face his past. "He hurt me. For a long time. I think I went five years without eating once." He heard Maiza's intake of breath. Embellishing nothing, Czes narrated his life with Fermet in a flat monotone.

When he came to the day that he had eaten his guardian, he said, "And then I put my hand on his forehead and I thought he was gone; gone for good. But he's not." Czes tapped his head. "He's still here. I killed him, Maiza."

"You did." Maiza simply stated this fact.

"Then _do something_! I _killed _someone! Your friend." Czeslaw's head lolled back. "…Kill me."

Ignoring Czes' outburst, Maiza said, "Have you ever heard of self defense?"

"I'm not a child Maiza."

"I take that as a 'yes'." He pushed his glasses up his nose. "He was hurting you. What you did was self defense. Not murder. Besides, anyone who hurts you is not my friend."

If Czes had heard that just a few days ago he would never have believed it, but he knew Maiza meant every word he said.

"Maiza…" He started to cry, and there was no need to stop himself, because he wouldn't be judged. There were strong arms around him, and maybe today, he didn't have to be a man.

* * *

**AN/ I wrote this ramblingly on purpose because I was trying to show Czes' messed up thought processes. **

**I did a lot of research into the different effects of torture and starvation for this fic. Any reactions Czes showed are very normal. I did my best to point out his extreme paranoia. Hope you enjoyed! If you didn't fill free to tell me what I did wrong. I wrote this rather fast.**

**Also, I have read the light novels but it's been awhile. I'm a bit fuzzy on the details, but I know that poor little Czes-kun doesn't get over all this for a long time. I know he cried and decided he wouldn't **_**kill **_**Maiza at the train station, but we never fully got to see the trust form. Here's my filling in for all that complete with VERY disturbing torture scene that sprung from reading too much **_**Berserk**_**.**


End file.
